Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I hate nature.

**Okay I don't really hate nature, but I wouldn't say I'm its number one fan. The following story is one of many reasons why I should never live alone.**

Tonight, there was a lizard in my bed. 

I'd had a long day. A good twelve hours of going going going. After a quick microwave dinner at 9, I was ready to slip into my soft and cuddly sheets. I grab a bag of m&m's as I leave the kitchen. I head down the hall. I enter the room. I pull back the sheets. I grab the pillow for a quick fluff and "HOLYYY SH*#*#*#*#*#*!TTT!!!!!!!!!!!" (Hyperventilating begins.)


Yeah, this is totally not the lizard in my bed. My lizard was about
the size of this lizard's fingernail, but ohmygod when there's a
lizard in your bed DOES IT MATTER WHAT SIZE IT IS??

The following is a list of thoughts that ran through my head after discovering said lizard in my bed.

**Should I give Lizard my room? (I named him Lizard.) Should I move out? Should I go to a pet store and find something that eats lizards? (What does eat lizards? Are they prey to no one??) Is it irrational if I start to cry? Maybe I should sleep on the couch. No it's hot in there. I wonder how long Lizard has been in my bed...HOLY SH*T WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??????**

Well the boring part of this story is when I stared Lizard down for about five minutes while I formulated a stupid genius idea to get rid of Lizard by gently sweeping it off my bed with my least favorite pair of shoes. So this is what I did. And now, a half hour and about a dozen shrieks later, Lizard is roaming free somewhere on my floor.

And still, I feel like I'm about to pass out.

Oh my god ya'll this lizard was right under my pillow. What are the chances that I've EATEN a lizard in my sleep before????????? You know cause they say you eat like eight spiders a year in your sleep and I've never even seen  a spider in my bed before! Seriously. There have got to be lizards crawling all over me every night while I sleep. DEAR GOD HOW WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN?!???

Please, someone talk me down from this.

1 comment:

    OMG girl this made me laugh SO hard I think I peed a little. I'm sure it wasn't funny last night, but this morning it was the best thing I could have possibly read with my morning cup of coffee. You rock my socks!



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