Tuesday, February 11, 2014

This might just make me a crappy American

(Disclaimer: You might all hate me after this. I'm serious. If you are nearing the ledge, this might be the post to push you over. You have been forewarned.)
Ask me how much I care about the Winter Olympics. Go on. Ask me.
Opening ceremonies? Cool. #SochiProblems trending on Twitter? Super cool.
But y'all. I just don't care.
I know I should care. I'm may be risking deportation even voicing my nonsense opinion.
I almost did care a tiny bit when I saw this:
 Does NBC think it can trick us into caring about the Olympics with these photos of Team USA and some puppies? 

OH, OH. It's almost working.
"Look, America, I know you don't care so much about the Winter Olympics, but we think you like attractive people, and we know you like puppies, so here's a giant photo set of the most visibly appealing members of the 2014 U.S. Olympic team posing with a bunch of baby Siberian Huskies. Because, I don't know, Russia or something."
So obviously I need a husky now.
Three reasons why I can't get into the Olympics and would rather just watch HIMYM re-runs:
1. I am from Texas.
I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen snow. Half of those were ice.
(It’s white too. We get confused here.) Ice sucks. It ruins everything. Remember? Reminder:

  2. All snow sports look the same to me.
Skiing? Falling through snow. Luge? Bobsleigh? Snowboarding?

  Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy. Oh hell no, I’m sure it’s not easy. Frankly it looks super complicated, unbearably cold, and absolutely terrifying. I’m just saying that after awhile it all starts to blend together in a sea of really fit people falling down a hill of cold snowy confusion and I can’t tell the difference. The wine may have something to do with that also.
And this. The last. The most important of ALL the reasons...
3. The Winter Olympics takes attention away from the real reason for this season:

 Don’t the girl scouts know that I have to fit into a wedding dress in two months??
(I’m totally kidding girl scouts I love your cookies please don’t leave.)

There are only a few more weeks to stock up on thin mints people! Get your heads in the freakin' game. And if you haven't tasted a girl scout cookie yet this season, that is just deeply upsetting to me. Please call me and I will arrange to have a box of thin mints sent to you immediately.

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